I feel this so deeply! And that NYTimes article is still so on point.
I think the “internet friend” (whether they’re one you actually interact with, or just someone you follow and feel like you know) has an impact too: it’s easy for those recommendation-giving friends, or the political discussion friends, to get supplanted by listicles and thinkpieces online. I’m definitely guilty of trusting the ratings of a stranger (or thousands of them!) rather than seeking the opinion of people I know personally about where to go for dinner or a new pair of jeans.
Plus, college (or work, if you have a collaborative job, which most people don’t really) provides kind of the only opportunity to get to know someone casually but deeply intellectually that you just don’t stumble upon otherwise. So it’s hard to know if my opinions and beliefs truly align with those of people I’ve met more recently. I haven’t seen them do critical analysis, so how do I trust their process in determining their faves? But maybe that’s my own fears about the scarcity of my time getting in the way - would it really be the end of the world if I started a TV show I didn’t love or made a recipe that didn’t suit my palate?
And side note - do you know where your Danish friend gets her clogs? I’m in the market...
These are all great points! The risk of using time that's so scarce on something that might not come to anything — that's something I battle with ALL the time too! (I'll check with Danish buddy about her shoes next time I see her ;)
I feel this way about my book club. I only see them once a month and we don’t interact outside of it. It’s nice to catch up on life and share interests and then go separate ways.
My struggle is I have only 2 close friends that live close. The rest love far away and while we still keep in close contact it’s not the same as seeing in real life. I’d love some more close friends in town but it’s also a lot of work!!
Hi, Thao. Just wanted to say ‘hi’ and share a little. I tell my husband that I can’t afford to spend time on things, or people, I do not feel a pull towards. My reason is that I have a family I am committed to and which takes up almost all of my time. When I tuned forty, I found that most friendships and acquaintances lacked ‘depth’. I enjoy deep conversations and open sharing minus judgment. I try to imagine how my life would look like as an empty nester with, potentially, more time for friendships of all kinds but I won’t have them as I’m not seeking them out now. I’m not convinced that I would be lonely if I didn’t surround myself with tens, or hundreds, of friends and acquaintances in the future. Perhaps I am fooling myself?
Hi, Suzanne! I hear you. That all makes so much sense. I think it’s important to do whatever works for you. It sounds like your life is absolutely fulfilling the way it is. And I agree that you definitely don’t need a ton of friends for a happy life — or even not to be lonely. (I don’t think loneliness is even inherently a bad thing, honestly.)
I’m trying to say yes a little more, hoping that I can find my way to a new mode of friendship for myself. But it’s definitely not something that comes naturally! I also only have one child, so I know my time might look different than others’.
My life is fulfilling as it is but like you, I would like to say yes more. My best friend lives in another country so I do crave for close proximity deep friendships. After moving a handful of times across continents, I am also tired from trying to build friendships from scratch plus it’s so difficult as an adult! Have read a lot on this topic (including in Cup of Jo!) but am still at a loss. I would just like you to know how much I love your meaningful posts everywhere on the web! Thank you for sharing from your heart. x
It's so much work, Suzanne! Moving across continents is its own separate struggle and I really admire you for taking in all the changes with grace. I have no great insights on this, but I'm right there with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share <3
I feel this so deeply! And that NYTimes article is still so on point.
I think the “internet friend” (whether they’re one you actually interact with, or just someone you follow and feel like you know) has an impact too: it’s easy for those recommendation-giving friends, or the political discussion friends, to get supplanted by listicles and thinkpieces online. I’m definitely guilty of trusting the ratings of a stranger (or thousands of them!) rather than seeking the opinion of people I know personally about where to go for dinner or a new pair of jeans.
Plus, college (or work, if you have a collaborative job, which most people don’t really) provides kind of the only opportunity to get to know someone casually but deeply intellectually that you just don’t stumble upon otherwise. So it’s hard to know if my opinions and beliefs truly align with those of people I’ve met more recently. I haven’t seen them do critical analysis, so how do I trust their process in determining their faves? But maybe that’s my own fears about the scarcity of my time getting in the way - would it really be the end of the world if I started a TV show I didn’t love or made a recipe that didn’t suit my palate?
And side note - do you know where your Danish friend gets her clogs? I’m in the market...
These are all great points! The risk of using time that's so scarce on something that might not come to anything — that's something I battle with ALL the time too! (I'll check with Danish buddy about her shoes next time I see her ;)
Ja Rule! 😂 Loved this and I feel like it hit home on a few notes.
Thank you for reading, Jami! <3
I feel this way about my book club. I only see them once a month and we don’t interact outside of it. It’s nice to catch up on life and share interests and then go separate ways.
My struggle is I have only 2 close friends that live close. The rest love far away and while we still keep in close contact it’s not the same as seeing in real life. I’d love some more close friends in town but it’s also a lot of work!!
A book club is exactly the dynamic I mean! And I’m with you on the friends living farther away; same here. ❤️
Hi, Thao. Just wanted to say ‘hi’ and share a little. I tell my husband that I can’t afford to spend time on things, or people, I do not feel a pull towards. My reason is that I have a family I am committed to and which takes up almost all of my time. When I tuned forty, I found that most friendships and acquaintances lacked ‘depth’. I enjoy deep conversations and open sharing minus judgment. I try to imagine how my life would look like as an empty nester with, potentially, more time for friendships of all kinds but I won’t have them as I’m not seeking them out now. I’m not convinced that I would be lonely if I didn’t surround myself with tens, or hundreds, of friends and acquaintances in the future. Perhaps I am fooling myself?
Hi, Suzanne! I hear you. That all makes so much sense. I think it’s important to do whatever works for you. It sounds like your life is absolutely fulfilling the way it is. And I agree that you definitely don’t need a ton of friends for a happy life — or even not to be lonely. (I don’t think loneliness is even inherently a bad thing, honestly.)
I’m trying to say yes a little more, hoping that I can find my way to a new mode of friendship for myself. But it’s definitely not something that comes naturally! I also only have one child, so I know my time might look different than others’.
My life is fulfilling as it is but like you, I would like to say yes more. My best friend lives in another country so I do crave for close proximity deep friendships. After moving a handful of times across continents, I am also tired from trying to build friendships from scratch plus it’s so difficult as an adult! Have read a lot on this topic (including in Cup of Jo!) but am still at a loss. I would just like you to know how much I love your meaningful posts everywhere on the web! Thank you for sharing from your heart. x
It's so much work, Suzanne! Moving across continents is its own separate struggle and I really admire you for taking in all the changes with grace. I have no great insights on this, but I'm right there with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share <3