How to Manage Online Criticism: A Conversation with Jess Kane
And—does tone matter when interpreting and receiving feedback?
Once, in response to an article I wrote about American malls, someone emailed me a Bible verse. Nothing else; just the verse. Not being terribly liturgy-literate, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. In the end, I think the emailer’s implication was that I was focusing too deeply on material concerns and should pivot my thoughts heavenward. It wasn’t an unreasonable point.
But it made me consider the person writing the email and their motivations in reaching out. What makes someone choose to respond to a writer personally, through direct email outreach, with something so cryptic? And, generally, what makes a person choose to participate in online comment forums at all?
I think we generally long to feel connected to a bigger community, and the parasocial nature of social media makes it easy to share our stories, with a simulated layer of intimacy. I’m always thrilled when I can participate in an online conversation, especially one that feels relevant to my life at that moment. And on the receiving end of comments, I’ve had the most positive, lovely, and life-changing encounters online. Overwhelmingly, emails are from readers full of gracious words and interesting thoughts (and disagreements) that help me understand the world better. Giving feedback can, in many cases, be an act of extreme generosity and care.
Yet—that’s not always the case, as so many of us know. Whether it’s a family member responding hostilely to a Facebook post (been there!) or a stranger questioning a parenting choice, social media can feel like a landmine for so many of us, especially those who live their lives online. It’s never pleasant to receive negative feedback, even if it may be warranted.
But this got me thinking: Is there a difference between feedback and criticism? Can we distinguish tone online between a well-intended critique and one that’s intended to tear an individual down? Does intention even matter?
Social media seems to have morphed for me in the past year into something that feels, interestingly, less intimate. It’s as if the crowd of voices has become more isolating than unifying. As a recovering perfectionist/people pleaser, I’ve had to thicken my skin over the years of publishing online. It’s been good for me and I think I have grown from the feedback. But thinking about social media also makes me wonder: Am I alone in feeling exhausted by all the engagement? What are others feeling about the state of social media lately, particularly when it comes to the flood of feedback?
To tease out some of these answers, I turned to the brilliant Jess Kane, the former Social Media Manager of cupcakes and cashmere, and current content creator, world traveler (her gorgeous travel guides are coming out this month!), and cat-mom to regal Mimi and playful Rosie. Her thoughts are full of wisdom and comfort that help me understand this (digital) world we’re all floundering in. I think you’ll feel the same!
Hey, Jess! How are you feeling about social media at the moment?
I'm, frankly, a little jaded. I've pursued social media professionally for the better part of the last decade while simultaneously spending a large chunk of my free time building my own brand. So, I'm tired (as I assume even those who exclusively consume the apps for personal use are) from the constant pivoting and rapid evolution we're expected to keep up with.
However! I do continue to find social media to be one of the more inspiring places to spend my time. I just wish it was harnessed exclusively for good, but I know that's a pipe dream.
What kinds of online feedback do you struggle with?
1. Anything that criticizes an inherent part of my personality or heritage (usually in the form of antisemitic comments).
2. Learning that I've recklessly used language or shared content that's caused harm to marginalized individuals/communities. Being called out and called in are both tough for different reasons, and as someone who considers herself a thoughtful person, the knowledge that I've been careless stays with me.
How do you process those two categories of comments?
For comments that are critical of things I can't change, I have my therapist (and highly recommend one for others if they have the access and means!). Speaking to an unbiased party allows me to acknowledge the hurt, then shift my focus to the areas where I can change and improve.
And for the feedback surrounding my shortcomings, I apologize and attempt to channel the discomfort and regret into learning opportunities.
What’s the difference between managing a personal brand online, and managing a corporate brand?
In one instance, a commenter is reacting as a customer, and in the other, they're reacting as an internet friend. Those perspectives come with wildly different expectations.
When a brand delivers, commenters generally remain quiet because things are operating as a customer thinks they should be. But when a brand disappoints you—perhaps from the subpar customer experience or low-quality product or inadequate displays of corporate social responsibility—it's easy to quickly detach and become hostile, forgetting that, while yes, it is a business, people are running the social accounts.
By contrast, when a personal brand delivers, there is a lot of public validation. But when that person disappoints you—perhaps because their values don't align with yours, they've made a decision you don't agree with, or they share something you take issue with—it might leave you with a sense of betrayal that's more activating because you feel like you know that person. There's typically a tone of condescension and familiarity that's unrequited, due to the parasocial nature of the relationship.
Both are dangerous dualities, the first leaving the social media manager feeling thankless and susceptible to burnout, and the other leaving the content creator with emotional whiplash, after eliciting such polarizing responses.
What would you ask from commenters, before posting?
I wish that commenters could simply be more conscientious that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and across the board, we could allow for a little bit more nuance.
Do you have any tangible scripts you tell yourself, to help cope?
1. Find a way to differentiate between critique and criticism, and
2. Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from.
Feedback comes in many forms, but at the heart is either someone trying to help you or hurt you. Deciphering between the two can sometimes be tricky. When a comment or DM is tripping me up, I put my phone away for a few hours and try my best to get outside to breathe and remove as much emotion from the interaction as possible. I return with a fresh perspective, and can usually recognize if it was a matter of the delivery or content itself.
And if it is intended to hurt me, I remind myself that I wouldn't trust that person for advice, so their judgments have no place in my headspace!
Thank you so much, Jess! Follow Jess on Instagram and sign up for her travel guides!
Recent Notables
Writing:
Digging for Community in the Gulf (The Food Section): on bringing old traditions into a new country
My Husband Woos Me on ‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ (Catapult): about marriage woes and the unexpected ways we overcome them
Pumpkin Cheesecake Cookies Are Pillow-Puffs of Sweetness (Kitchn): the cookie of my fall fantasies
Reading:
BOOKS
The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O’Farrell: this was excellent. The language was so exciting. I wish I could read it over and over again!
Just Like Magic by Sarah Hogle: described as “gleefully” unhinged; so weird and delightful—and surprisingly moving!
Counterfeit by Kristin Chen: a fast-paced read with lots of verve
Lunar Love by Lauren Kung Jessen: a beautiful love story that combines Chinese matchmaking traditions with a fresh enemies-to-lovers take
Lucy by the Sea by Elizabeth Strout: another voice-driven Lucy novel with keen insights and lyrical prose.
ARTICLES
Constraints: A Hometown Ode (The Rumpus): a warm, all-too-relatable story about the things we learn from moving back to our hometowns
A Theory of Sprawling Holidays (Culture Study by Anne Helen Peterson): why the holidays seem to have taken over the entire calendar year
“A Ghost Is a Memory.” On Bodies, Belief, and the Places Ghost Stories Live (LitHub): an uncanny meditation on the things we bring into being, just by believing in them enough
Loving:
L’Ange Brush Dryer: I recently got a ‘90s cut (inadvertently!) and this brush has been helping me tame the locks.
I have often wondered how those who put out their thoughts publicly manage with some of the awful things people say. You are always excellent with your words and this article comes at a very apropos time. Thanks.